For the next five days I was in agonizing pain, I itched like no other and walking was excruciating. At night, I laid in bed crying in pain with a bag of ice down there. I would stare up at the ceiling in a state of hopelessness and self-loathing, praying and asking God, “Why me?” The anxiety and pain were so unbearable, I did not sleep a wink. I literally mean I had zero sleep. I had to work all week and fake a smile and hold back the tears. I was finally able to go to the doctor on Thursday and I was so nervous. When the doctor looked, she said it looked like herpes. My stomach dropped; I was speechless. I was swabbed and the doctor said I’d hear my results in about a week. I called my mom devastated. I prayed more that week than I had in a long time. Not just praying, but pleading and crying, speaking in tongues type praying. “Why God, why me?? Your report is the true report, let this be a mistake, please do not let me have herpes.”

Eight days later I got the call that confirmed I had herpes HSV-2. I was mortified. My stomach felt like an empty pit and the rest of my body went numb. I felt as though my life was over. I blamed myself thinking I got it from Jim. He was tested and said he was negative. I called and told my gifter; he took it well and said, “Man, I just got tested; guess I’ll go again.” He still wanted to see me; it didn’t turn him away. From his reaction, I should’ve known something was off. It wasn’t until the next time we were to have sex and he refused to wear a condom that I knew it had to be from him. I heard from another later on, he did have it. I didn’t understand how this could have been happening to me when I had been so cautious to prevent something like this. The one time I didn’t get a choice, because my multiple no’s, and me trying to push him off of me meant nothing to this person, I got herpes.  Now knowing what I do, I should have asked to see negative test results from both men, and made sure they asked specially to be tested for herpes. Once I knew I had it, it didn’t matter which one it was from, there was nothing I could do about it now.

Six months after being diagnosed, I was still ashamed and felt disgusted with myself and feared no one would ever want to be with me, I’d be alone forever. Besides my mom, no one knew; I refused to tell anyone. I was alone in this. No one would understand and everyone would judge me. I already felt enough guilt, I didn’t need anyone else’s judgment.  My biggest fear was people finding out about me having herpes. It made me sick to my stomach and I thought if others found out, it would be the end of me. Not long after I started dating my now ex (we’ll call him “Dwight”), I found out he had gone through my phone and saw the messages between me and my mom. Though he took the news well and accepted me, he told two people, his best friend, and his ex. I was crushed and felt betrayed. I was living in a nightmare. I wanted it all to end— all the pain, all the misery I had been going through for the last six months. After yelling and screaming at Dwight as to how and why he would do this to me, I stormed out of the house and walked up to the highway.  I was crying and asking God, once again, “Why God, why me?” I stood there next to the highway watching the cars fly by, crying. I decided I was done; I couldn’t do it anymore. Knowing my mom never answers her phone, I said, “Okay God, this is it. If my mom doesn’t answer, I step out in the highway.” Stepping into traffic seemed less painful than the ongoing pain I was experiencing at the time. I called my mom and when she answered, tears poured from my eyes, and I stepped back.

Because of herpes, I felt alone and disgusted with myself. Unwanted and damaged for life. The only person who would love me was Dwight. The relationship was very toxic; but to me, it was the best I was going to get— it was all I deserved. There was no way I could ever get close to anyone else and there was no way anyone else would accept me.  Over the next couple of years, I grew in my relationship with Christ and changed my lifestyle. I relied on my mom and Dwight for support. I decided no one would know my status—not my sisters who I was close with, and not even my best friend from high school. The love of Jesus and the little support I did have made living day to day not so bad; but I was living with the worst secret ever.  It was like I had this dark cloud constantly hovering over me. I constantly heard the whispers in my ear, “You’re not good enough”; “Too bad you have herpes”; “Don’t tell that friend, they won’t understand, just judge you”; “You should be so ashamed”; “You’re a preacher’s kid”; “You’re a Christian, if anyone finds out they’ll think you’re a sham”; “You’re not even supposed to be having sex and now you have herpes”; “You’re trash.” Every day I had those thoughts in the back of my mind, and every day I fought them with the word of God and positive affirmations. I would go to Dwight and my mom and they would pull me out of my funk. The Lord was my strength and I latched on to His promises for any chance of hope. 

Three years after being diagnosed, I knew my journey with herpes would change forever and no longer be my own. I was in the Philippines with my parents, and I was in a much better place with starting to accept and love myself again. I was there teaching dances to worship songs at the different churches we visited. One night at one of the church conferences we attended, the message was about healing. It was a big revival service. During the service I started praying. I know my God is a healing God and there’s nothing too big for Him. I sat there in my chair praying with everything in me. Believing every word I said and speaking things that weren’t as thought they were. No one knew what I was going through or that I was wanting healing because I had herpes. Then our friend Kristen spoke healing over me. I accepted all what she said and 100% believed God had healed me that night. I was walking on cloud nine, and so happy to have my life back without herpes.

A month later I had another outbreak. I was not healed, I still had herpes. I was upset. I asked God, “I received healing that night, I had healing spoke over me and I believed it. You can heal me, why didn’t You? Do You want me to have this?” In that moment I wasn’t discouraged, but things were finally clear to me. I was reminded of Paul and how he had asked God three times to remove the thorn in his side, and God told him He was enough for him (2 Corinthians 12:1-10). I knew I may not have been physically healed yet, but I received emotional healing, and a bigger blessing- I received the chance to help others going through the same thing I did. God was going to use my hurt to help others. He was going to use me in a way I would have never imagined, and He would receive all the glory for it. I accepted His calling and it became my mission to do something about this from that day. I had no idea how I was going to help and had no idea when or how I’d have the guts to be open about having herpes, but I knew that’s what God wanted and He would lead me through this journey.